accounting humor

A biologist, an engineer, and an accountant were sitting outside an empty house.  They saw two people go in, and a while later, three people came out.  The engineer said "our initial count must have been wrong."  The biologist said "They must have reproduced."  The accountant said "Now, if one person goes back in the house, it will be completely empty."


An accountant was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said "I have not eaten for three days" The accountant replied "How does that compare with the same period last year"?


This story may or may not be true from experiences that may or may not have occurred from people who may or may not have worked for the IRS.

During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, i've found several harmless ways to mess with them and receive no recourse.

Always put staples in the right hand corner.  Go ahead and put a row down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way.  Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If you’re very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash.  When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.

Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional.  Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form).   Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones.   An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms.   Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man.  These methods are only recommended when you owe money.


IRS Agents

1. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps: They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

3. What do you call 25 IRS agents buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

4. What do you call 25 skydiving IRS agents? Skeet.

5. What do you throw to a drowning IRS agent? His co-workers.

6. What's brown and looks really good on an IRS agent? A Doberman.

7. What's the difference between an IRS agent and a mosquito? One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.



     A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron ordeal. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

     "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

     "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

     "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

     "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."

     "The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the IRS. ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."



"Signs Your Accountant Is Nuts"

10. In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars"

9.  Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures

8.  You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote

7.  Insists that there's no such number as four

6.  He laughed at the Bob Dole background check (I'm sorry --  that's a sign he's hypnotized)

5.  Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents

4.  Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically

3.  Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek

2.  Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant"

1.  He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his ass



Top Ten New Advertising Campaign Themes for Accountants

When The "Baltimore Business Journal" reported on August 25, 1995 about the image realignment wanted by accountants, they had no idea that Robert Prentice, Professor at the University of Texas at Austin would pick it up. They reported that "The industry's trade group plans to spend $3 million this year to make over the humble accountant's image." Mr. Prentice saw this as a call to action, and he quickly marshaled his students in LEB 380.17 (Liability of Accountants) to come up with pithy new slogans for use in the new marketing push. The results of their laborious efforts are here, in "Top Ten" format:

10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers.

9. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us.

8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.

7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers.

(At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I think I sense a pattern here!" But you'd be wrong -- read on!)

6. Just count it!

5. Have you hugged your accountant today?

4. If you don't look good, we don't look good.

3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you.

2. We check to make sure you're balanced.

--And, the Number 1 suggested marketing topic, formulated by Xavier Peña:

1. Accountants: Always there to cover your ASSets!



You might be an Accountant if....

1. Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card

2. You refer to your child as Deduction 214

3. You deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses"

4. At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation

5. You know what NPV means

6. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======"

7. You have no idea that GAP (sic) is also a clothing store




This nerdy little accountant named Dave appears at St. Peter's gate. St Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life? Well says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also. St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" The accountant replies "About five minutes ago".



From an article in a South American Newspaper --------- "....the charter crashed into the side of the mountain. The Pilot, crew, 4 CPA's and a prize showdog died on impact. Memorial services will be held on Thursday for the Pilot, Crew and dog.



A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend. The accountant says, A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on.  The lawyer says, One _needs_ a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people. The physicist says, You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend; the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!



There are 3 kinds of CPA's in the world - Those who can count, and those who can't.



Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?     

A. His personality.


Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party?       

A. He invites an accountant.


Q. How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?

A. An introvert looks at his shoes when talking to you.  An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you.


Q. What is the difference between a football and Accountant?

A. The football goes farther when you kick it.


Q. What is the difference betwen a Finance Director and a shopping cart?

A.  A Finance Director holds more food and drink.


Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A. When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.


Q. How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant?

A.  The actuary is the one with a personality.


Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?

A.  Jail


Q. What do you call an Accountant who marries an Actuary?

A.  A Social Climber


Q. Why do Accountant's make good lovers?

A.  They're great with figures.


Q. How can you tell when an accountant owns a used car lot?

A. She keeps turning back the gas gauge.


Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?

A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.


Q. What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

A. Go into town and gang-audit someone.


Q. What's the definition of an accountant?

A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.


Q. What's an actuary?

A. An accountant without the sense of humour.


Q. Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

A. They find bookkeeping too exciting.


Q. What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

A. Invite an accountant.



Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.    What happens?

Ans:  Nothing, they are all fictional characters!!!!!!!!


An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.  Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook.  Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says "Write two envelopes".


A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or to where. Seeing a man walking down the street, he cries out: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?" Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer by says: "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field." "You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident. "How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, " answered the balloonist.



There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position and had a variety of individuals applying for the position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question how much is 2+2? The first candidate was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed that the answer was 4. The second candidate was an attorney. He stated that in the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was proven to be 4. The final candidate was a CPA. When asked what 2+2 equaled, the CPA did not respond immediately. He looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair and went to see if anyone was listening at the door. Then he returned to the business owner and said, “What would you like it to be?”



Income Tax is Uncle Sam's version of Truth or Consequences

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple.  If you use the short form, the government gets your money.  If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.


A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile. Thank God, returned Mr. Carr. I thought you were going to want cash.


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks the attorney.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'




True story from a tax preparer....

After several minutes and more than a few questions trying to get the TP to divulge all their self-employment income, the TP finally stands up in a huff and proclaims,"Why are you asking me how much money I made, it's none of your business how much money I made. Is this how you treat all your customers, asking them personal questions like how much money they made?"

You can't make this stuff up.....



Wacky 1099B's

Info on Realized Gain/Loss Statement from major national brokerage:

Total Sales Proceeds = $25,148.50
Total Cost Basis = $17,457.72
Total Loss = $ 7,375.69




Thoughts going through every accountant’s mind on April 15th - from Dave Letterman

10. If I see one more tax return, I’m gonna jam a #2 pencil through my eye.

9.  I think my calculator is talking to me

8.  If I screw up, they go to jail, not me.

7.  Why didn’t I become something exciting, like a claims adjuster. 

6.  Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit.

5.  Get through today and then a 364-day weekend.

4.  Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul-crushing job.

3.  Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands.

2.  Why did I waste time doing a stupid top 10 list on Letterman.

1.  This would be a lot easier if I was sober.


Tax Haiku

IRS audit
Not fun, not cheap, not for weak
Call an attorney.

Taxes due again?
Where are the good deductions?
Phased out – too much dough.

AMT is due
only for the rich, they claim.
Then why do I owe?

Estate tax repeal.
It’s not going to happen.
Empty Treasury.

Section 1-6-2
You allow me to expense
I think I love you.

It’s done, Switzerland.
No more banking secrecy.
Now you just have cheese.